Merfy-Lou's Musings

a rant to help me feel better

on September 20, 2012

(first of all, let me say that I am terrible at blogging.  I feel that my life is boring and don’t really have any passions, thus the reason for this depressing post.)

College was a time of fun and awesomeness.  There is always something to do.  Whether it be clubs/student organizations, a student job, a concert, a play, something. anything. I miss that.  I feel strange hanging around college events as a graduate, like that weird kid who won’t leave his high school lunch room after high school graduation.  I miss living on campus (particularly in Skarland) and the energy that was there, the (often silly) programs the RAs were required to put on.

I miss the structure of school.
I miss going to class and having expectations.
I miss homework and the stresses of tests.
I miss learning.

Right now, I feel insufficient.  This insufficiency, to me, is a form of failure; like I’m doing something wrong.    That I’ll never enjoy anything. Ever. Again.

I have a job. Yes, it’s a temp-job, but I know that I have to start somewhere.  But even in my new position I feel like a failure.  I hate that  can’t answer every single question that comes in.  I was a student for five years, why don’t I know?  And I keep telling myself, “This is a new experience, something you haven’t done yet.  It’s only been 9 days on the job so far, how can you expect to know everything.  Things don’t just formulate in your brain, there has to be a reason for the learning opportunity.”

Even though I’m currently only working 30 hours a week, I feel that all I do is go to work, clean house, watch TV and sleep.  That doesn’t make sense to me.

Why am I not diving into the quilting projects that I have started? (There are only like 8 quilt tops that need to be backed and tied).  Or the candle or soap kits that are in my closet?  Or the small mountains of yarn that I own.
— I account this one to the fact that my dining room is currently clean and I don’t want to make it messy again.  But, why is it a big deal; it’s not like anyone is coming over.

Why don’t I have the motivation to go to the gym every single dayI’ve been saying I want to lose 100 pounds and it certainly isn’t going to come to me while I’m sitting on my ass.  I want to join exercise classes somewhere in town, but that means I have to be able to afford to pay for them.  (Which I’ll get to shortly…)  I sit at work thinking, “I’d rather be working out.”  I know that a new Mac is in my future if I can get down to 142 pounds.  That isn’t enough motivation.  I just don’t get why.

I miss having my wedding to plan.  In addition to school, the wedding was a goal that I was able to complete to my expectations. Something that I knew exactly what needed to be done, and when.  Something that I was able to focus time and energy in.  Partly, because I had set those expectations for myself and others were depending on me, and partly because it seemed like a legitimate thing to spend money on.

The quote, “Practice makes perfect” should be my motto in wanting to work on my photography skills.  I just found some pictures from middle school that I posted on facebook and it made me miss having all of the memories on “film.”  But since getting to college and realizing that I have no skills in comparison to the people around me doesn’t make me want to work on them.  My cameras currently collect dust.

I also think Pintrest is bad for me.  I see hundreds of things that I want to make, but I either don’t have the supplies or the money to purchase said supplies. Because now, it’s not that I don’t have the time, it’s that I don’t have the funds.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to pay my loans in November.  Money really is the root of a lot of my fear right now.  I am so afraid that I will always be debt.  That a mountain of student loans will fall on me and kill me. (But then, if they really did kill me, I’d be student-loan debt free…)  I want to be able to afford new brown boots because my Dansko’s look funny with leggings.  Or to be able to go out and buy the materials for the dresser I want to make.

I work at 11am each day.  I go to bed between 10:30-11:30 every night.  8 hours of sleep says I should be up by 7;30 at the latest.  But I have no motivation to get out of bed.  I tweeted this morning saying “I really need to find an 8am class or meeting. I like sleeping in, but I like feeling productive better.”  And I feel no different about that now.

I did join the Fairbanks Community Band.  Hopefully that will help me with my lack of desire/structure etc. but it seems like a very disconnected group and that’s not really what I want.  I want that team/camaraderie feeling.

One response to “a rant to help me feel better

  1. Nae says:

    Despite our lives – location, marital status, etc – being very different, I identify a lot with this post. Post-college has left me without students org meetings at random hours every night, places I need to be on nights and weekends, deadlines and special projects. Though I do like my job, the hours from 6pm – bed every night can be a lot of… thinking time. Where I am in NY now, I have a great job and an even better boyfriend… but he works weekends and you can bet on the 3-day Labor Day Weekend I freaked out at 11a.m. on Saturday when I realized I didn’t have any plans til I was expected to be at work on Tuesday at 8a.m. And by 5p.m. Saturday, I still hadn’t found any solutions or plans past “I should at least shower.”

    Point is, as different as everyone’s situations might be, you’re not the only one going through post-college blahs and “what am I doing, and is it enough.” I’m currently looking for special projects, clubs and places to be too – but sometimes, pajamas and bed just seem good enough, even if while snuggled up we’re feeling insufficient. Totally get it.

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